involuntary childlessness
“I don’t wish involuntary childlessness up on anyone. Expectations, hopelessness, pain, grief, longing – it holds all big emotions and then some. I’ve cried through many nights and many more I’ve stayed up wondering why this has happened to us. Why can’t my body do what seems easy to others, even with the help of medication? Why can’t my husband have a wife who can give him the child that he too longs for?”
As a part of my project “Extraordinary Ordinary” I want to give away a session to someone with a story to tell. Among many others I receive a long message from Ida & Theo, who openly share their story of involuntary childlessness and their hopes of one day becoming parents.
This is a highly personal story about an issue that is rarely spoken about openly, even if many people have experienced something similar. I don’t personally share these experiences, but I do share the strong belief that we need to talk more about the things that people far too often suffer from in silence. I admire Ida & Theo for so openly sharing their long journey and am grateful that I got the chance to meet them and hear their story.
For our session we decided to focus on the love they have for each other, that has only grown stronger through their struggles. I am happy to now get to share my photographs from our session together with a text written by Ida on their hopes and dreams of one day becoming parents.
“It was the fall of 2016 when I first got a positive result on a pregnancy test. Back then I was 24 and Theo 20 and we weren’t at all prepared. We quickly realised abortion wasn’t an option for us, but soon after we had a miscarriage. After that we decided to go off birth control and since then we have become pregnant multiple times, but we still miss a baby in our arms.
We have friends who have had children during the time we’ve been trying. I was only 15-16 when I naively thought that I wanted to be a young mom. My own parents were young when they and me and my sister so becoming parents after 30 felt far off. It not working for as came as a big chock for us in other words.
Age no longer makes any difference to me, now I only want to become a mother. Our journey so far has had many ups and downs and I wish this was something that was spoken about more openly. Right now our treatment pause and it’s hard to say what will happen in the future as our IVF hasn’t been successful.”
“During this journey we have many times been asked how we feel when people around us become pregnant. I always answer that of course we are happy for then, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for us. I ask myself why the same thing won’t happen to us. Don’t we deserve a child?
Support from family and especially close friends who have often asked how we’re doing has been huge. It’s not easy to stan don the side line and know there’s nothing you can do. Many years have passed and our laps only feel emptier with each passing year. For a long time I felt ashamed that my body couldn’t do what ti was supposed to do. Just seeing someone pregnant or walking a stroller was hard. It made by bitter and angry for a while. It took a long time before we even told anyone we were trying and for years we lived by the mantra “maybe next month”.
“The grief of not being able to have children has many layers. It comes in waves, with feelings of hope, joy, fear and and pain all mixed up. The two week long wait after insemination while you wait to get to take the test feel like five years. The time you stare at the pregnancy test feels like a week. The disappointment when menstruation starts a few days late, just after you had started to hope maybe this is it even after your test was negative.
It’s impossible to understand unless you go through it yourself.“
“If someone you know is going through this my best tip for you is just to listed because there’s no advice you can give that they haven’t already heard.
Relax – don’t eat sugar – stop worrying and it will happen – you are still young – enjoy yourselves while you can.
I’ve heard them all countless times and you probably don’t even know what that person has gone through and what their doctor’s are telling them. Even if you’re tryign to help, your well meaning advice mostly just hurt. I’ve been lucky to have some amazing friends who have been there, cheering us on when everything has felt hopeless and who have cried with me when everything has felt unfair. These acts of kindness has meant everything to us.“
“Above all, I am so incredibly grateful that it’s Theo who walks beside me through all this. I’ve told him many times to leave me if he can’t live without children. As many times he has replied that it’s me he can’t live without.
Going through such struggles can make or break a marriage, and luckily we have only grown stronger facing this together. Giving up is out of the question and if you’re going to have to go through such hardships as this you’ll need the love of your life by your side. If this journey ends in us not having biological children, there are alternatives and a life without children is also a good life. Then we’ll only have to figure out something else to fill it with.
I’ve written this mostly from my own perspective, but even if it’s my body having to go through all the doctor’s appointments and exams, we are in this together. This is an important thing one should remember.”
“It’s always a bit nerve wracking to stand in front of a camera but Julia made us relax and ended up enjoying our session together. The weather was on our side and the light was heavenly. Looking at these photos I see the love we feel for each other.
Thank you Julia for giving us this opportunity and for capturing us just for who we are. These photos are magical as they have captured both our sorrow, but mostly our love. They mean the world to us and we just want to say thank you.”
Extraordinary Ordinary is a passion project of mine that I do outside my regular work as a photographer. I offer discounted sessions to those with a story to tell, and share it though photos and text in the hope that it will help us understand and empathise with people who live different lives to us. If a story reaches someone who by viewing it feels even a little less alone in what they’re going through, it’s a success.
You can apply for a session here and I’ll maybe get back to you to plan how we can tell your story together.
